Holidays

This holiday will be known for:

1) Gifting myself with TWO new pairs of stretch pants so that my husband has to pull me aside and tell me that he loves me but honey, stretch pants don't look good on anyone, but I think you look much nicer in jeans, maybe just wear those? And then I pull out my velvet boots that I ALSO bought for myself to go with them and watch while I change his mind about stretch pants. Or just ignore him and continue on with my self-destructive ways.

2) Plenty of time to watch late-night infomercials. When this one came on, I knew that many windows in small town Utah were broken that night due to over-excited women jumping through them. Then they banded together in the streets with pitchforks and demanded Bumpits and Tommy Hilfiger tees for all the ladies in town.

3) Pumpkin Rolls.

4) Fry sauce with just a little bit of an english chip included.

5) Family interventions

6) Calvin getting punched in the throat by various cousins. But then after 8 days of that and a few run throughs of Jarin's P90X tapes, he arose like a Phoenix from the ashes and started to defend himself with his chubby hands and the will of a Broadbent who has had enough.

7) Watching the series John Adams and tearing up because I'm American dammit.

8) Doing a 360 across an abandoned old road while my pregnant sister-in-law and mom both mumble "ahhh this isn't going to end well." But then it did. It really did. Probably because I was wearing my new stretch pants.

Thanks family for a great Christmas holiday.

I Thought We Had a Deal

Arizona has been wet, cold and rainy for like, a week now. I don't think I've gone this long without seeing the sun since moving here.

Arizona, please shape it up. Sherri is coming to visit and I promised her sunshine and diet cokes. I have my fridge stocked with 12 packs. Now it's up to you.

Plus when I suffered through three of your sweaty-crotch summers we made a deal that you would be hot and ugly for half the year and then warm and ugly for the other half.

Plus I got Calvin a bike seat for Christmas so we can ride together under sunny skies like a postcard. When you start to disappoint children, that's when all bets are off and we move to Oregon. Or California. Or Texas. Let's pull ourselves together. I expect more from you.

I Have a Visitor

Guess who came by my house today to say hello? Oh, just Rob Pattinson. He heard I was a fan and wanted to say thanks for the $98 I've spent so far on his career.
We just chatted for awhile, you know, had a snack. He took a nap. Probably because he just got in on the red-eye from London.

Apparently 6'2" vampire cutouts scare babies.
Don't worry Hailey, I disguised him so Cory wouldn't know. Our secret is safe. But you'll probably want to come pick him up tonight. Because once Cory finds out, I'm in

T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

For anyone who may have doubted our ability to "take it to the next level", we've arrived safely. And the view is amazing.

Ba Humbug

I've been wrestling with a few things lately. Laziness, the economy, and trying to be a good wife.

For 2/3 of my married life, I've sent out Christmas cards. This year I can't muster it. I feel badly but here are the reasons you won't have a card in the mail from us this year so you can go "Aaaaww. Calvin is getting so big!" And then throw it in the trash.

1. They haven't invented a jazzy chair that writes return addresses on envelopes, licks them and takes them to the mailbox. Jazzy chairs also don't clean baseboards or clean out dusty drawers. So until they do, I'm not doing any of that stuff.

2. Cory is blind. Did you know that? Early in our marriage I played a game where I would snatch off his glasses and stand in front of him. He would yell in desperation and confusion until I gave them back to him. He's blind, man. Blind. So in January he's getting a surgery to get implants. Not like my implants. More like eye implants. Or contact lens implants? Who knows. All I know is that it's expensive so we're donating the cost of your Christmas card to give Tiny Tim sight.

3. Did I mention that I'm lazy?

Here is what I could muster up. Who knows? Hailey could bring me a jug of taurine and we could turn this whole ship around. Regardless, we do wish a Merry Christmas to all and to all good eyesight.

So Much Better

I apologize for the confusing post of Boss Hogg and sad gay bars. The real story is not even worth telling. Nothing cryptic. It was just a weird day.

Now for a much, much better telling of the night time happy-haps, go to Heather's rendition, here.

She's Back So Life Can Be Amazing Again

The Weirdest Day of My Life

I like life to be in superlatives. Cory knows that. He thinks I'm over dramatic. How can the "worst thing that ever happened to me" happen 4 times a week? "The best" happens at least a dozen times a week. But it's always true. In my eyes.

Yesterday really was the most bizarre day of my life. It was like I fell down a rabbit hole.

It started out with the hands-down-most-uncomfortable meeting. I can't go into to too many details, in order to protect the innocent in attendance. But let's just say it was the closest I've ever come to punching a fat person directly in his fat face and then walking out of his office and then peeling out of the parking lot in my station wagon then driving over his cactus collection. It was so bizarre, I can't even really piece together what happened but if you'd like to re-create meeting, just drop rancid acid and stare at these pictures:

The end result was me making a blood pact with myself to never hold back the urge to punch a face, personal goals of trying not to be ass-like, and to steer clear businesses that are forever bronzed in 1983.

After taking a brief nap to re-boot, Heather came to join me for the downtown Phoenix Crafeteria. Yay for girl's night! Yay for vintage jewelry and necklaces made out of broken dolls' heads. Yay for creative saturation and free brownies.

We decided the perfect ending to the most bizarre day would be to dare ourselves to do the MOST UNCOMFORTABLE THING WE COULD THINK OF. The lucky winner? Diet cokes at a sad, sad gay bar. Not good gay bar. Saaaad gay bar. Where the old, sometimes married, overweight and lonely go to find each other.

We picked it because every time Cory and I drive by we go "awwwwww" and feel sad.

We were at best unwelcome (some thought we were there to spy on behalf of their wives) and stared at with quizzical expressions trying to figure out if we were lost and/or trannies.

Once we stopped giggling like 14 year olds we settled in for a lovely time and braved it through not one but TWO diet cokes. We left the bartender a healthy tip and he replied with a "namaste".

The perfect night for two married mormon women with children that share a weird drive to propel ourselves into awkward situations that make us sweaty.

High Five! Let's do it again reaaal soon.

I was glad to wake up today and not have it be yesterday.

Yay For Family, Sugar Cookies and Movies!

Thanksgiving has never really done it for me. The turkey seems dry, I hate watching boys watch football, and the crown jewel of the day always ends up being a nap. Really Thanksgiving is just Sunday afternoon.

Then Thanksgiving 2008 happened. Hailey's sugar cookies, more Twilight, more irresponsible behavior, midnight movies with Cory...it was pretty great.
Several members of Broadbent North merged with Broadbent South for an amazing weekend.

Not only is Hailey an amazing partner-in-crime, but she can bake the pants off anyone. She really secured her place as my favorite person when she went the extra mile and made her sugar cookies. Sugar cookies have never really had a place in Thanksgiving. That's probably why I've hated the holiday until now.

She even made them look pretty.

This is Hailey saying, "Seriously, I really am the best baker ever." And she is. This was my contribution to the meal. You're welcome. Calvin had a blast with Grandma and Grandpa Broadbent.
You know what is so cool about my mother in law? She let us make her a Twilight fan shirt. And she wore it. This shirt, combined with her new Last Chance heels, is going to make her the most popular piano teacher in all the land.
Monica tried her best to not be too excited about Twilight. Probably because her boyfriend was sitting next to her. But I heard her weeping. I did. And I also know that she secretly wore her fan tee shirt under her clothing all weekend. It's okay Monica. Embrace it.

Oops. How did he sneak in here?
Oops. Again.