If You've Ever Been To My House, Don't Read This

Remember that scary movie about the family who lived in a house that was built on a native american burial ground/where an ax murderer killed his family/that was haunted by the ghost of Christmas past?



Well are you ready for this one?


We used to live in this house until we sold it a few weeks ago.







It was really great until summer hit and I would see a few scorpions skitter across the floor a few times a week. Sometimes they liked to crawl out of the faucet or up through sink/tub drains.


I voiced my concerns to my husband, you know, because we have a toddler in the house and when I was stung last year and paralyzed for a day, it really harshed my mellow. Too bad one of Cory's things to do in his spare time is "not believing me".


It got to the point that I became absolutely obsessive over them. Like you know the feeling when you're walking around all day with a poisonous monkey with talon claws and bloody fangs on your back?

So. We met up for dinner with the gay fireman who bought the house. But wait. HE'S NOT GAY. When he said "I just sold my house in the Encanto (gay) district I bought and remodeled with my partner but then we split up" he actually meant business partner. And his glamor muscles are not just for show. They are to save lives in fires. And the fact that he is the nicest man alive. And no straight man is that nice except for 20 minutes pre and post coitus (FACT). So all the time we spent gossiping and laughing about boys over brunch and planning matching outfits and scheduling tandem bike rides was well.....I don't know....I feel a little weird/disappointed/lonely again.




Anywho.....


He brought us up to date on the house remodel. Let's review these items of business:


1) He took out a wall and found HERDS OF SCORPIONS living in there.


2) He started taking out a bunch more walls FILLED WITH GAGGLES OF SCORPIONS.


3) He's had to take down entire structures to GET TO THE FLOCKS OF SCORPIONS LIVING IN OUR WALLS.


4) He got super drunk one night and took a black light out to the backyard and found GANGS OF SCORPIONS hanging out on the walls/fence/bushes.

To drive the point home, he took us over to the house and pulled out the black light. There they all were in their glory. Just hanging out like the little sons of guns they are. Cowards!

So I tell you this story to prove two points. Cory should start believing me. Except, of course, when it comes to telling him about my new gay best friend. And also, PHOENIX YOU ARE THE WORST PLACE EVER. I mean it. THE WORST.